The Stereotypical Facebook Profile: Explanation

I know I posted this a long time ago, but I truly planned on making my Facebook post a 2-part series, one with the actual post and another with the following explanation. But I got sidetracked, first by Michael Jackson's death, and then by a ton of damn work that had to be done, along with moving and losing internet access for 2 weeks. So now, the long awaited explanation of my Stereotypical Facebook Profile.

First off, I think the motivation for the post needs to be explained. It had been my intention to actually do this on my own Facebook profile, but I was afraid no one would get it unless I posted it somewhere else less serious. I had noticed so many similarities in profiles, and so many of them seemed so fake that I decided to call people out on it. I'm not saying that having one, two, or even like 5 of these things on your profile makes you an asshole, but if you look up and down this profile and see over half of them on your Facebook page, you are officially a tool and should either delete your profile, or consider a change of lifestyle.

First, I need to start with the picture. No, this is no one I know. I just typed in "tool surrounded by girls" into google, and this was one of the first pictures to pop up. This is because half of the pictures of guys you see on Facebook, they are surrounded by girls. As if this is the story of their lives and all they ever do. I figure the guy in this picture probably has a camera he takes to every party he goes to and makes it a point to get a picture taken with every girl there (unfortunately I've known people to do this). Then he sends the pictures home, as well as posts them on Facebook, showing all his friends and family back home: "LOOK AT ME! I have friends...and they're GIRLS!!!" Loser.

Next, did you know everyone on Facebook is a political genius, and their political views are meant to be known and examined by everyone. It was no worse than during this past November's election. Everyone posted when they voted and who they voted for. Isn't voting supposed to be a private thing, not meant for the masses to know. Shut up about your fucking politics, I don't care!!!

Next, the activities and interests. How the hell many different ways can you say that you like to sit around and not do shit. Just say hanging out, don't indulge us with 10 different ways of saying the same damn thing. You have friends who you like to hang out with, I get it. Just say you like to hang out. And this shouldn't take up all of your activities and interests. Don't you have anything else you do in your life? I guess not...you're spending too much time "chillin" and screwin' around on Facebook.

Also, I've noticed that the letter "G" is at a premium on Facebook. No one says "hanging out", or "chilling." G's have been replaced by apostrophe's, such as chillin', relaxin', chillaxin'. Finish your damn word you lazy bastards!!

Music. Most people on Facebook are actually closet musical experts. Somehow, they like every kind of music, but then they list genres they don't like. However, when you go into their favorite bands and favorite songs, they have bands from within the fucking genre they said they hate!! WTF?? My favorite is when people add a band as one of their favorites because they know one song by the band. I think I say this in part because I like 80's music so much, but the average Facebook user only has a vague knowledge of 80's bands. So they put Def Leppard or Journey as their favorite bands because they like "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and "Don't Stop Believing." And on top of this, it seems that the world is obsessed with Nickelback. I HATE Nickelback, but they show up on everyone's favorite music list. Fucking assholes!!!

Well, this post is getting long, so I'll end this and continue later, but not before I discuss the TV shows category. This one was easily my favorite to write because of how big an asshole everyone is when they write this section. The average Facebook user somehow believes they cram 36 hours of activities into a 24 hour day. So this being said, no one believes they have time to watch TV. "I don't watch much TV" is one of the biggest fucking cliche's out there in this generation. MY ASS!!! It's because of today's high school and college students that there are so many crappy shows on TV...you fucking watch TV whether you SAY it or not!! The average Facebook profile starts out with that one line, "I don't watch much TV." Then they proceed to list 15 of their favorite TV shows, which they watch regularly. News flash assholes: if you have time to watch that many different weekly TV shows, then you watch A LOT of TV!! Get over yourselves, you aren't more imporatant than the rest of the world, and your lives are definitely not busier.

To be continued...

Michael Jackson: 1958-2009

The Stereotypical Facebook Profile

Name: John Q. Facebook

Basic Information:
Networks: Louisville, Ky
Sex: Male/Female
Birthday: 1/1/1990
Interested in: Women/Men
Looking for: Dating, friendship, a relationship.
Political Views: My way is the only way.

Personal Information:
Activities: Hanging out, chillin' with friends, cruisin' with my buds, playin video games, sports, rollin' with my posse, workin' out, relaxin' with my pals, chillaxin.

Interests: meetin' new people, partyin', music, video games, women (men), and just about anything else I can do in what little spare time I have.

Favorite Music: I like just about anything....except rock, country, rap, pop, R&B, blues, jazz, ska, oldies, bluegrass, opera, techno, musak. Favorite bands are Dave Matthews, Nickelback, Keith Urban, Nelly, Justin Timberlake, Journey, Rascal Flatts.

Favorite TV Shows: I don't have time to watch much TV, but when I do, I like Grey's Anatomy, NCIS, Family Guy, The Office, CSI, American Idol, The Amazing Race, The Real World, Dancing With the Stars, Lost, One Tree Hill, 90210, Sportscenter, Scrubs, 24, America's Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance, Extreme Makeover.

Favorite Movies: Old School, 40 Year Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, Talladega Nights, Superbad, The Hangover, The Taking of Pelham 123, The Proposal, Year One, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Favorite Books: reading?? What's that??
Favorite Quotations:
Dance like no one is watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening, Live like it's heaven on earth.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
- Confucius-

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

About Me:
I met a guy on the red eye
He spotted my guitar
and said what do you do?
I said, I sing for a living,
Country music mixed with
a little rock and a little blues
He said I'm sorry
but I've never been crazy
'bout that twang and trains and hillbilly thing
What ever made you want to sing stuff like that?
I just looked at him and laughed and said

cause it's songs about me
and who I am
songs about loving and living
and good hearted women and family and God
yeah they're all just
songs about me
songs about me

So I offered him tickets
I said you'll see what I mean
if you show up tonight
he said I doubt you'll change my opinion
I'll be kind of busy, but hey man, I'll try

Then later on when we finished our songs
about scars and cars and broken hearts
I saw him, he was standing there
right next to the stage
and he shouted
man you were right
it was like you sang those

songs about me
and who I am
songs about loving and living
and good hearted women and family and God
yeah they're all just
songs about me
songs about me

So I'll just keep on singing
'til I hear the whole world singing those

songs about me
and who I am
songs about loving and living
and good hearted women and family and God
yeah they're all just
songs about me
songs about me

Groups: 1,000,000 Strong Against the new Facebook, Six Degrees of Separation the Facebook Experiment, 1,000,000 strong for Barack Obama, Lost my phone, need everyone's Phone #, I Hate Facebook The Group, Nickelback Fanclub, (Insert Your Name) is the best name ever, Stop World Hunger The Facebook Experiment, 1,000,000 strong for (Insert Generic Cause)....

Too Much is Too Much

Dammit, I've got plenty of material and I've just been too lazy to post. But today is going to be very impassioned, because I absolutely HATE what I'm writing about.

Pop Evil

If you don't know who they are, count yourself lucky. I only know one song they ever wrote, but it is among my least favorite songs ever. Have you ever heard the song "100 in a 55"? Hopefully not. First off, this song is continuing this unpleasant trend of groups that are trying to consider themselves "Rock", but instead are some form of hybrid of who knows what (at least they're not Nickelback...I'll get to them some other day).

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say about this, but this song has the distinction of having one of the worst song lyrics I've EVER heard. "Too much is never enough, and too little is never enough." Does anyone else see why the hell I have a problem with this lyric. Actually, looking at it right in front of me, it isn't one of the worst lyrics I've ever heard...IT IS THE WORST LYRIC I'VE EVER HEARD!!!

How the hell is "too much" never enough. By definition, "too much" is actually more than enough, so that lyric doesn't make sense. And then they follow it up with the real winner, "Too little is never enough." NO SHIT!!! Too little isn't enough because once again, by definition, too little is NOT ENOUGH!!! FUCK!! Pop Evil has joined the ranks of Nickelback and Pink Floyd as groups whose music I can identify by the first few notes of a song, allowing me to turn that shit off before more than 5 seconds have elapsed. I hate that song, and every time I hear it I am tempted to call into the radio station and question why the hell they would play something so idiotic.

On another note, I hate songs that use the term "Rock and Roll" in their lyrics, and Pop Evil wins another point by throwing that one in there a few times. I don't know why I don't like it, but when I think of the good, classic 80's and even 90's music I listen to, I just think "Rock" and not "Rock and Roll." Very few songs can use that term within their lyrics effectively...though I can think of 1 or 2 that have. 100 in a 55 is not one of those songs.